Thursday, March 26, 2015

A Funk or A Rut

Lately I have been in a funk or a rut, whatever you want to call it. I've been struggling. I haven't been able to sit down and write anything that is nice or even readable. I am barely accomplishing the things I need to as a mom and wife on a daily basis. I feel like a cloud is hovering over me. I've been cranky, in a bad mood, lacking patience and not wanting to be around anyone. I've tried to snap myself out of it but have been unsuccessful until recently. The cranky club was trying to recruit me but I don't want to be a party of that club! 

I mean seriously how true is this. 
Things are complicated 
BUT I'm doing fine!

During my weeks of a super bad mood I came across this article titled "10 Questions to Ask Yourself When You Feel Like Crap" I mean that was it I felt like crap. I read the article and suddenly something clicked. I had an ah ha moment. The statements that gave me that moment were #6 and #7 on the list. They said how can I be of service to this person, situation or circumstance and myself so that we feel buoyed, rather than weighed down and how can I create something meaningful for me and/or others out of this experience. I'm telling you it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. All of a sudden I could see the light on this situation. 

Mood swings are one of the side effects of lupron so why was I feeling so bad about being in such a bad mood. It sucks to be in a bad mood or feel gloomy. I have never had to work so hard to be in a good mood. The mood swings I was (still am) having were so severe I had no idea what to do. I was snapping, being brutally honest (normally I try to stick to just honest), and avoiding people. Those things were not me. I mean I strive to be honest and want people to be that way with me in return but I am not mean. I truly felt like I was being mean. Not cool, not cool at all. I was trying to avoid people even by phone so that I wasn't being mean. I felt like crap, there is no other way to put it. After reading the article I mentioned above I realized that I needed to share how I have been feeling and take my vitamins daily. I have been sharing my experience since being diagnosed with endometriosis so that other women going through the same thing know they are not alone. I am not sure why I was so hesitant about sharing about my moods. 

Now I am back to taking my vitamins daily, sometimes every other day but I'm taking them. They are helping but I also have to work on my mind set. I have to keep the negative thoughts out and focus on the positive. I can't let the worry keep me down. That is hard but I know I can do it. I have done really well in the past so now should be no different! 

Here are my worries 
1) Is the Lupron actually working? 
2) Is 6 months on it going to be enough? 
3) How long is it going to take us to get pregnant when this is over? 
4) Am I ready for a second baby or should I just go back to work? 

I'm trying not to worry about these things but the last few weeks I can't seem to keep the worry away. It wears a girl down. I keep telling myself that symptoms mean the lupron is working. My hot flashes, night sweats, foggy brain, other things I'll spare my male readers from hearing, and mood swings tell me it is working. I just feel like I need proof at this point. Next week marks the halfway point and I'm getting anxious. I want some news or an updated report on my body but its not time for that yet. I know that I will get an update as soon as it is time. I will have a full physical exam when I am finished with the lupron or right before. I just need to be patient! Then there's the whole how long is it going to take us to get pregnant question. I know that we will be able to start trying and possibly conceive as quick as 6 weeks after my last shot. I hope that it happens as quickly as possible! Thinking about it constantly doesn't help anything. (When I do finally get pregnant I won't be telling anyone for quite a while anyway. Even though I know it will be hard to keep a secret.) I just can't get it out of my head recently and that could be because I have baby fever worse than I have since we starting trying to get pregnant almost two years ago!

A huge thank you to the people who have reached out to me lately. It was like you knew I needed to hear from you and I can't think of the sweet messages you have sent without tears joy in my eyes. Thank you for unknowingly helping me get over this funk! It means SO much to me.

Cheers to better moods and knowing that I am stronger today than I was yesterday!

***Edit-- As I was going to bed last night it hit me. It's scary to admit that I'm having trouble controlling my emotions. That's why it took me so long to share about my mood swings. I hate feeling like I am loosing control of my own body. Just trying reign in my emotions. Not letting fear hold me back. 

No comments:

Post a Comment