A Funk or A Rut

Lately I have been in a funk or a rut, whatever you want to call it. I've been struggling. I haven't been able to sit down and write anything that is nice or even readable. I am barely accomplishing the things I need to as a mom and wife on a daily basis. I feel like a cloud is hovering over me. I've been cranky, in a bad mood, lacking patience and not wanting to be around anyone. I've tried to snap myself out of it but have been unsuccessful until recently. The cranky club was trying to recruit me but I don't want to be a party of that club! 

I mean seriously how true is this. 

Things are complicated 

BUT I'm doing fine!

During my weeks of a super bad mood I came across this article titled "10 Questions to Ask Yourself When You Feel Like Crap" I mean that was it I felt like crap. I read the article and suddenly something clicked. I had an ah ha moment. The statements that gave me that moment were #6 and #7 on the list. They said how can I be of service to this person, situation or circumstance and myself so that we feel buoyed, rather than weighed down and how can I create something meaningful for me and/or others out of this experience. I'm telling you it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. All of a sudden I could see the light on this situation. 

Mood swings are one of the side effects of lupron so why was I feeling so bad about being in such a bad mood. It sucks to be in a bad mood or feel gloomy. I have never had to work so hard to be in a good mood. The mood swings I was (still am) having were so severe I had no idea what to do. I was snapping, being brutally honest (normally I try to stick to just honest), and avoiding people. Those things were not me. I mean I strive to be honest and want people to be that way with me in return but I am not mean. I truly felt like I was being mean. Not cool, not cool at all. I was trying to avoid people even by phone so that I wasn't being mean. I felt like crap, there is no other way to put it. After reading the article I mentioned above I realized that I needed to share how I have been feeling and take my vitamins daily. I have been sharing my experience since being diagnosed with endometriosis so that other women going through the same thing know they are not alone. I am not sure why I was so hesitant about sharing about my moods. 

Now I am back to taking my vitamins daily, sometimes every other day but I'm taking them. They are helping but I also have to work on my mind set. I have to keep the negative thoughts out and focus on the positive. I can't let the worry keep me down. That is hard but I know I can do it. I have done really well in the past so now should be no different! 

Here are my worries 
1) Is the Lupron actually working? 
2) Is 6 months on it going to be enough? 
3) How long is it going to take us to get pregnant when this is over? 
4) Am I ready for a second baby or should I just go back to work? 

I'm trying not to worry about these things but the last few weeks I can't seem to keep the worry away. It wears a girl down. I keep telling myself that symptoms mean the lupron is working. My hot flashes, night sweats, foggy brain, other things I'll spare my male readers from hearing, and mood swings tell me it is working. I just feel like I need proof at this point. Next week marks the halfway point and I'm getting anxious. I want some news or an updated report on my body but its not time for that yet. I know that I will get an update as soon as it is time. I will have a full physical exam when I am finished with the lupron or right before. I just need to be patient! Then there's the whole how long is it going to take us to get pregnant question. I know that we will be able to start trying and possibly conceive as quick as 6 weeks after my last shot. I hope that it happens as quickly as possible! Thinking about it constantly doesn't help anything. (When I do finally get pregnant I won't be telling anyone for quite a while anyway. Even though I know it will be hard to keep a secret.) I just can't get it out of my head recently and that could be because I have baby fever worse than I have since we starting trying to get pregnant almost two years ago!

A huge thank you to the people who have reached out to me lately. It was like you knew I needed to hear from you and I can't think of the sweet messages you have sent without tears joy in my eyes. Thank you for unknowingly helping me get over this funk! It means SO much to me.

Cheers to better moods and knowing that I am stronger today than I was yesterday!

***Edit-- As I was going to bed last night it hit me. It's scary to admit that I'm having trouble controlling my emotions. That's why it took me so long to share about my mood swings. I hate feeling like I am loosing control of my own body. Just trying reign in my emotions. Not letting fear hold me back. 

New Fun: Crayola Color Alive

Yesterday we went to Target. Surprise surprise! Anyway I bought Blake this coloring book. He asked me for it the other day at staples but it was much cheaper at Target! At first I wasn't impressed by it because it's just another coloring book. Oh but when we got home was I in for a big surprise! 

It is called Color Alive by Crayola. There are 4 different styles you can purchase; mythical creatures, skylanders, barbie, and enchanted garden. We got the mythical creatures one. It is dragons which Blake loves right now. Here is what it looks like. 

I was skeptical because Blake is 3 and colors like a 3 year old. Is it even going to work with crazy coloring style? Well it does! I actually think his looks so much neater than the dragon I colored nicely. 

Here's how it works. You download the color alive app. Color the picture of your choice. Open the app (it's the slowest app on my phone). Select play and scan your image. It comes alive right on the phone/tablet screen; I call this the show. Blake played with it for a half hour last night and I played with it for nearly as long today. You can take pictures of the image while it is in 4D (or whatever) mode. 

Blake's dragon. I love how it looks swirled when it is putting on it's show! 3 year old coloring skill compatable yay for not being a waste of money. 

Here is my dragon during it's show. 

All of the pictures have other things going on when you color them but not during the dragons show. For instance my picture has a knight in it which isn't pictured during the show. Each dragon does something different. The one I colored picks at it's feathers. 

The app itself is fairly easy to use but is EXTREMELY slow. I have to help Blake set it up so that the dragon can put on a show. I think that after he plays with it for a while he will be able to do it on his own. Older kids will most likely be able to do it on their own faster. Once I help him get the show started he can play with it as long as he stays with the phone close to the image. As soon as he pulls it away the show is over. Soon he will figure out how to restart it by himself. 

I bought this in a weak moment. Blake had been crying that he wanted someone to play with. I felt sorry for him because he doesn't have a sibling to play with and it's not always easy for someone to come over or for us to go to someone. Sometimes I think if we would have started trying for another baby sooner he would already have his forever friend (sibling). I don't let that get me all the time but yesterday it did. Today is a new day and I'm not feeling bad that he doesn't have a sibling yet. He will someday! :) 

Anyway if you are looking for something different to do this color alive thing is pretty fun! 

*This post is not sponsored by Crayola or anyone else. I'm just a mom sharing something new we found and like.* 

I'm still here

A random selection of pictures from my phone! I'm ready for warmer days, someone else to fix my hair, more time with friends and thankful that I'm not as sick as I was just a few months ago. I know I have probably shared most of these pictures before but I like them, most of them. I'm feeling exhausted and like I forget things all the time thank you menopause! I am going to beat this and the pure exhaustion I'm feeling will pass. Right now though, I'm just trying to get through the days without having a major meltdown or blowup! Hopefully when I get my shot tomorrow some of that will get better. Deep breaths, more water to drink, and easy low stress activities to entertain my wild 3 year old boy!

The last time I had my hair done. I'm in need again BIG time.

Friends and cookies!

Friends at the park!

That one time I made Andrew take me to urgent care and I had to have a bag of fluids because I was so dehydrated. Turns out I was seriously sick and didn't know. This was back in December, seriously thankful that nasty stuff is gone.

Friends at the aquarium.

These two goofy kids. Love them both!

I promise for something more entertaining and fun next time. ;) For now Blake and I are going to craft with chalk on paper since its a blizzard out there. Stay warm and safe friends!