Thursday, February 12, 2015

A Difficult Journey- Conception

Before you get into this post I have a disclaimer, it is an old post. It is something I wrote in the midst of this difficult journey when my hope wasn't very high. I was pissed, had a very bad attitude and wasn't feeling a single ounce of positivity. I was feeling completely defeated. I said that I wanted to share my feelings along this journey so here it is just one of many things I wrote. This particular post was written back in October 2014.

Andrew and I embarked on this journey 16 months ago. It was a journey that I was certain wouldn't take us long. The journey is still continuing or has possibly hit a standstill. It is the journey to conceive another precious little baby to add to our family.

In the beginning we were quiet about it not wanting to let people in on our secret. I felt like the more people who knew the harder it was going to be on us, the more pressure we would feel. The longer it took the harder it became not to talk about and the more questions people started asking the harder it became to accept them. I never in my life thought I would hate hearing the words "when's the next one coming, it's your turn next, Blake needs a little brother/sister, etc." If you said them to us don't feel bad because after all you didn't know! I kept telling myself that too; don't get upset with people they are curious and don't know what you don't share. By the way I'm NOW a firm believer that its none of anyone else's business what a family is doing when it comes to their personal adventures and decisions on family planning, it's flat out rude to question. If you do find yourself asking these questions remember, it's all in the way you say it. With that being said, it is nice to know that people care but sometimes it's just a lot to handle and not something we want to discuss with everyone. 

I am sharing our experience thus far for a different reason. I am sharing our experience because I wish people would be more accepting and understanding of the struggles of infertility and conception. I know that I wasn't. I mean I had no idea the true stress and emotional toll my friends went through to get the opportunity to have a baby. It wasn't hard for us the first time. I had no idea. I had no clue that a simple Facebook post in the from a couple announcing the arrival of their new baby could create such a feeling of self pity. I didn't know that I would come to hate all social media outlets. I was oblivious to the true struggle that people face when it comes to having a baby. I also realize now that although I am facing this struggle head on that there are people who can't have children and never will. I am thankful that we do have one child and yet still struggling to accept the idea that he will possibly be our only one. I don't think its fair to him because I know he will make a great big brother; I just hope that we are able to give him that opportunity.

The emotional roller coaster that this journey has been and still is almost leaves me speechless. I don't know what to say or where to start. I have gone from being hopeful one second to feeling completely defeated the next. It's really hard to stay positive and not worry about it all the time. The worry and stress take over somedays but for me it's the feeling of defeat that gets me. I feel like I can't win no matter what I do. I know its not a win or lose thing but not being able to obtain my goal feels like defeat. In my mind its that simple. The truth is it really isn't anywhere near that simple. I know that keeping a positive vibe and attitude make a world of difference but I struggle to do that 100% of the time. If I could I would feel like something was wrong with me emotionally. I don't believe in the whole when the time is right it will happen approach. I've said it to people because that is the easy answer but I don't believe it. What I do believe is that it is possibly going to take some medical intervention for us to be able to create another child and that is where we stand now.

Our insurance doesn't cover anything that has to do with infertility. (Side note: there are only 15 states in the United States that require their insurance providers to cover or offer coverage for infertility diagnosis or treatment. Guess what OKLAHOMA is NOT one of them. Go figure. Our state really needs to get its shit together.) Just to be clear we have no official diagnosis of infertility but getting diagnosed is so f-ing expensive we can't afford to do the testing. I'm talking thousands of dollars. One test for me alone is $1200 and there are others. A single test for Andrew ranges from $150-300 much less initially than for me but still expensive considering they would need to be done multiple times. Our current options are to just keep trying but after 16 months of being unsuccessful excuse me if I have little hope that it will just happen on our own. I will be more positive as this realization settles in but right now I'm just pissed. Infertility is a medical condition just like diabetes is a medical condition. Anyway, we are going to work on the insurance part of this to see what if anything can be done. We are looking and talking and searching. I am however not impressed with what I have found so far when searching out things on the Blue Cross Blue Shields of Oklahoma site. I am hoping that we do find something helpful soon though.

Until then we will just keep trying and riding this emotional roller coaster. There is no better time than now to enjoy our family of three, not to take for granted our time together. After all we do have a very precious family just the way it is now. (I saw a FB post today that read "the things we take for granted someone else is praying for. So true.) I will continue to focus on surrounding myself in the joy that Blake and Andrew bring to me daily and be thankful for what I do have. I send my love and hugs to all the other people out there that are struggling with anything in their lives now and in the future. Keep your head up and I will keep mine up!

*I know that I have shared bits and pieces of this journey with different people over time. My hope is now that I can continue to share when I am ready and not cause any hard feelings if I do or don't share. It is a difficult journey and I greatly appreciate all the people who have been by our sides throughout it so far as well as all the people that will be with us as we continue on our journey. Thank you for being so understanding and supportive.

Many of the statements in this post hold true still today; I have my bitter days just like everyone else. I am in a much better place with all of this now though. The key was finding the right doctor for me. Our insurance is even covering everything because after all it was a medical condition not specifically infertility. 

I hope you have a wonderful day and if you are fighting a battle keep on fighting! We've got this!

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