A Difficult Journey- Conception

Before you get into this post I have a disclaimer, it is an old post. It is something I wrote in the midst of this difficult journey when my hope wasn't very high. I was pissed, had a very bad attitude and wasn't feeling a single ounce of positivity. I was feeling completely defeated. I said that I wanted to share my feelings along this journey so here it is just one of many things I wrote. This particular post was written back in October 2014.

Andrew and I embarked on this journey 16 months ago. It was a journey that I was certain wouldn't take us long. The journey is still continuing or has possibly hit a standstill. It is the journey to conceive another precious little baby to add to our family.

In the beginning we were quiet about it not wanting to let people in on our secret. I felt like the more people who knew the harder it was going to be on us, the more pressure we would feel. The longer it took the harder it became not to talk about and the more questions people started asking the harder it became to accept them. I never in my life thought I would hate hearing the words "when's the next one coming, it's your turn next, Blake needs a little brother/sister, etc." If you said them to us don't feel bad because after all you didn't know! I kept telling myself that too; don't get upset with people they are curious and don't know what you don't share. By the way I'm NOW a firm believer that its none of anyone else's business what a family is doing when it comes to their personal adventures and decisions on family planning, it's flat out rude to question. If you do find yourself asking these questions remember, it's all in the way you say it. With that being said, it is nice to know that people care but sometimes it's just a lot to handle and not something we want to discuss with everyone. 

I am sharing our experience thus far for a different reason. I am sharing our experience because I wish people would be more accepting and understanding of the struggles of infertility and conception. I know that I wasn't. I mean I had no idea the true stress and emotional toll my friends went through to get the opportunity to have a baby. It wasn't hard for us the first time. I had no idea. I had no clue that a simple Facebook post in the from a couple announcing the arrival of their new baby could create such a feeling of self pity. I didn't know that I would come to hate all social media outlets. I was oblivious to the true struggle that people face when it comes to having a baby. I also realize now that although I am facing this struggle head on that there are people who can't have children and never will. I am thankful that we do have one child and yet still struggling to accept the idea that he will possibly be our only one. I don't think its fair to him because I know he will make a great big brother; I just hope that we are able to give him that opportunity.

The emotional roller coaster that this journey has been and still is almost leaves me speechless. I don't know what to say or where to start. I have gone from being hopeful one second to feeling completely defeated the next. It's really hard to stay positive and not worry about it all the time. The worry and stress take over somedays but for me it's the feeling of defeat that gets me. I feel like I can't win no matter what I do. I know its not a win or lose thing but not being able to obtain my goal feels like defeat. In my mind its that simple. The truth is it really isn't anywhere near that simple. I know that keeping a positive vibe and attitude make a world of difference but I struggle to do that 100% of the time. If I could I would feel like something was wrong with me emotionally. I don't believe in the whole when the time is right it will happen approach. I've said it to people because that is the easy answer but I don't believe it. What I do believe is that it is possibly going to take some medical intervention for us to be able to create another child and that is where we stand now.

Our insurance doesn't cover anything that has to do with infertility. (Side note: there are only 15 states in the United States that require their insurance providers to cover or offer coverage for infertility diagnosis or treatment. Guess what OKLAHOMA is NOT one of them. Go figure. Our state really needs to get its shit together.) Just to be clear we have no official diagnosis of infertility but getting diagnosed is so f-ing expensive we can't afford to do the testing. I'm talking thousands of dollars. One test for me alone is $1200 and there are others. A single test for Andrew ranges from $150-300 much less initially than for me but still expensive considering they would need to be done multiple times. Our current options are to just keep trying but after 16 months of being unsuccessful excuse me if I have little hope that it will just happen on our own. I will be more positive as this realization settles in but right now I'm just pissed. Infertility is a medical condition just like diabetes is a medical condition. Anyway, we are going to work on the insurance part of this to see what if anything can be done. We are looking and talking and searching. I am however not impressed with what I have found so far when searching out things on the Blue Cross Blue Shields of Oklahoma site. I am hoping that we do find something helpful soon though.

Until then we will just keep trying and riding this emotional roller coaster. There is no better time than now to enjoy our family of three, not to take for granted our time together. After all we do have a very precious family just the way it is now. (I saw a FB post today that read "the things we take for granted someone else is praying for. So true.) I will continue to focus on surrounding myself in the joy that Blake and Andrew bring to me daily and be thankful for what I do have. I send my love and hugs to all the other people out there that are struggling with anything in their lives now and in the future. Keep your head up and I will keep mine up!

*I know that I have shared bits and pieces of this journey with different people over time. My hope is now that I can continue to share when I am ready and not cause any hard feelings if I do or don't share. It is a difficult journey and I greatly appreciate all the people who have been by our sides throughout it so far as well as all the people that will be with us as we continue on our journey. Thank you for being so understanding and supportive.


Many of the statements in this post hold true still today; I have my bitter days just like everyone else. I am in a much better place with all of this now though. The key was finding the right doctor for me. Our insurance is even covering everything because after all it was a medical condition not specifically infertility. 

I hope you have a wonderful day and if you are fighting a battle keep on fighting! We've got this!

Surgery Talk with Blake

Well it will be a week tomorrow that I had my surgery. I am feeling great. I have a few random aches and pains but that's to be expected. I am also starting to bruise in different places which is to be expected as well. I'm anxious to get back into a completely normal routine but trying not to push it. I kind of wish my post-op appointment was next week not the week after! Anyway I'm very sure that one thing has changed and that would be my belly button. Weird I know but it just doesn't look the same. I'm not sure why it bugs me so much but it does. Maybe once the rest of the swelling goes away it won't look so strange.

Before I had surgery we talked to Blake about it. We explained to him that I was going to the hospital and the doctor was going to make little cuts on my tummy and get the yucky stuff out. We talked about how the cuts would be small but that momma wouldn't be able to pick him up or have him climbing on me. I told him that I would only be gone for the day kind of like when he goes to school or daddy goes to work. I said I'll leave after breakfast then be back around dinner time or before. We assured him that papa was going to stay with him and they would have lots of fun. If I said he was just okay with all this talk that wouldn't be true. Honestly his first reaction was, why you have to get surgery? I told him that I if momma and daddy want have another baby and he could be a big brother then I had to have surgery. He simply said, "I not want a baby." I just smiled and told him he would change his mind someday.

If I had it to do over again I wouldn't have told him so many days in advance. My little guy is a worrier. He comes by it naturally, his momma and daddy are worriers too. So instead of us having a restful week before surgery we had many nights of no sleep. He would wake up and just stare at me in the middle of the night. He wouldn't go to sleep until I snuggled him in our bed. I reassured him that everything was going to be okay and that we are and would all be safe. One night he said, look momma that shadow is momma and Blake snuggling, referring to the shadow of his lamp and humidifier in his bedroom. At that moment I knew that he was really worried and scared about me having surgery. I snuggled him as often as he would let me. I carried him around as often as he asked me to. I basically did everything with him that I knew I wasn't going to be able to after surgery. I even showed him the scars I already had on my stomach from a previous surgery to show him how tiny the cuts were going to be. We eventually showed him the cuts post surgery too after making sure they weren't going to scare him.

I think it was even worse for me when we came home after surgery and he was scared to even come near me. If you have a boy or boys then you know how rambunctious they can be. He loves to jump off of things onto you, use you as a stabilizer to stand up or climb on and run into you and bounce off, so everyone kept telling him he had to be gentle with momma. He had to be careful not to hurt me etc. Seeing the look in his eyes and fear of getting close to me when we came home was so hard for me. I think it took me until Sunday after surgery to convince him that it was okay if he sat next to me. I just reminded him that he couldn't touch my tummy. I was so glad to finally be able to put him to bed and lay with him for a few minutes. I also enjoyed some snuggle time while he watched a movie and sat in between my legs using me as a back rest. (That position honestly wasn't the most comfortable for me but it also wasn't killing me.) I even managed to give him a bath all by myself last night! This morning everything was like a normal morning! 

Besides the fact that I am feeling more "normal" Blake is also getting back to his "normal" self too. Andrew and I have been really focusing on him and spending time loving on him and doing things that we normally do which has helped. I'm looking forward to the nice weather this weekend so we can spend some time outside playing. Blake and Andrew can ride their bikes and I can do a little walking!

I used the word 'normal' a lot in this post. Clearly life over the last week has not felt normal to me at all. I am looking forward to actually putting together our new routine for 2015 and putting it into action! I hope that this new year is everything you hoped it would be so far! I'll be sharing our new routine with you next week.

Surgery Results and Endometriosis

It has almost been about 24 hours since I got home from the surgical center. I didn't sleep all that great last night but I did get some sleep. I also took a great almost 3 hour nap today! 
My pain is minimal and I can actually only feel one of the incision sites. I have two but one is in the same location as my c-section scar and that's pretty numb all the time, definitely more so now. I have some gas that is settling in my diaphragm and shoulders which happens after a laparoscopy. It is feeling better as time passes. When they told me I was going to feel like I had been kicked in the stomach they weren't kidding. It is a mixed feeling of sore after a workout, what I imagine being punched in the stomach feels like and exhaustion. Really not that bad. I can walk around the house slowly and feel like I want to go somewhere but I'm not going to push it. They gave me pain meds and anti nausea meds but ibuprofen is really taking care of most of my discomfort. If my child wasn't such a clown I'd probably be in even less pain but his constant craziness is making me laugh and it hurts! 

Anyway on to the findings during surgery as I have been told by mom and Andrew. I go back in 10 days to hear all the information for myself but for now this is what I know. My doctor didn't give an exact stage of endometriosis but said it was "text book" endometriosis but because of the location of the endometriosis it is called adenomyosis. I found this definition of adenomyosis on the mayo clinic website. 'Adenomyosis (ad-uh-no-my-O-sis) occurs when endometrial tissue, which normally lines the uterus, exists within and grows into the muscular wall of the uterus.' He also removed a polyp from inside my uterus. He found that I have been ovulating and that my ovaries and fallopian tubes are working properly. Yay! I will undergo an injection treatment for 6 months to get clear up the endometriosis he couldn't remove due to its location in my uterine wall. I will get the treatment in my doctors office once a month for 6 months then we should be able to conceive. He said that my bladder was being squished because of all the endometriosis but that the endometriosis wasn't attached to my bladder. Another yay! I imagine that I will begin the treatment at the end of this month. I mean that's what I hope because yesterday when I was drugged up 6 months didn't seem like that long but today it does. Haha

Something that I was thinking about last night as I was trying to fall asleep is the number of people who struggle with infertility. Also accepting that struggling with infertility doesn't necessarily mean that you are infertile. I really struggled with this for a long time. I felt that saying I was struggling with infertility meant that I was infertile and that having another baby wasn't possible for us. When I stepped back, did more research and read a few books I was able to change my attitude and approach to this situation. I was also able to accept my struggle with infertility, that I wasn't being given a label of infertile. It was such a relief when I realized this and it has helped me so much. Please don't get me wrong, this realization didn't come over night. I has taken me a VERY long time to work up the courage to talk about it, share it and even face it head on. I am here now and feel better than I have in over a year about all of this. 

Just before going into surgery yesterday.

My current care takers enjoying an ice cream break today!

For all my friends who are struggling keep your heads high and remember to choose joy!

Focusing on my Health

Three weeks ago, on my 30th birthday to be exact, I had this strange very unsettling pain in my abdomen. It came on suddenly and felt like a gas pain. It didn't just pass but instead made it hard for me to breathe and I almost passed out. Once I got myself laying flat and cooled down I was fine for 15 minutes until the pain attack happened again. It was so scary I almost had my mom take me to the ER. I felt like my diaphragm was tightening up causing me to loose my breath. I have to say that it was probably technically painful enough to warrant a trip at least to urgent care but I'm stubborn and it was my birthday. 

After spending the next week and a half going from appointment to appointment to have multiple test run I got no answers. I had a full blood panel run. I also had an ultrasound of my abdomen done. Everything came back normal and apparently I have a really good looking pancreas! I don't feel like all the appointments were wasted or that something was over looked but I am happy to not spend every other day at the doctors office. I am very happy that there was nothing serious wrong because some of the possible diagnosis required surgery. I do however take it as a wake up call. I not only need to get my diet back in check but I need to listen to my body. My doctor also very firmly instructed me to come back or go to urgent care immediately if I had any problems again.

Made good use of my waiting time.

Once I was sure that all my test results came back normal I decided to take inventory of what else had changed that could possibly be causing the problem. I decided that diet was the biggest factor. I was so committed to staying vegan just a few short months ago but I had fallen off terribly. It wasn't even that I was cooking meat at home it was more that we were constantly eating out. I knew that a major change was needed and my body was telling me in the most powerful way possible. I let myself have last weekend as my "last" weekend to be indulgent. I mean I just couldn't let me possibly being sick ruin my kid free weekend. (Currently rolling my eyes, what was I thinking waiting.)

My fancy jewelry from radiology. 

I started back 100% vegan on Monday which I do realize makes today only day 3 but I can already tell a difference. I know that I can't eat chocolate of any kind since it made me incredibly sick this morning. I guess that means no more of my favorite chocolate covered strawberry smoothie. I am going to continue on my complete vegan track for the next 20 days. I am also cutting out all alcohol because it often wrecks some serious havoc on your body. 

My focus now is to keep track of how I feel each day over the next three weeks. I am taking careful note of everything I eat as well as how I feel before and after I eat it. I am also carefully tracking my workouts and making sure to slowly ease back into them. I am completely eliminating all dairy, meat, soy and alcohol from my diet while increasing the amount of water I drink. After three weeks I will slowly reintroduce things just like in an elimination diet. If my body doesn't respond well then I will do a complete elimination diet. Ugh.

Okay not really ugh since I decided to do this for myself but its hard to stay strong when all I really want to do is eat ice cream! I use to say oh it's going to make me sick but its okay. I'm over that now. I am to a point that I need to take care of myself and realize that a food making me feel bad isn't actually taking care of myself. So here's to my journey of figuring out if that strange pain in my middle upper abdomen just below my sternum is something I can prevent from ever happening again!

Lunch for B and I today while our friends ate corn-dogs.

Are you willing to completely change your diet in order to make you feel better? Have you ever had to do an elimination diet? Have you ever decided to just completely change your diet in hope s that you will feel better?

Dentist

Today I took Blake for his first dentist appointment. I technically took him to the dentist a while back but I don't count that. We went to the Indian Clinic in Sapulpa and it was a nightmare. As soon as we got to the door he was freaking out because he saw someone inside with a mask on. You know the kind that doctors wear. Yeah it freaked him out bad. My MIL and I both went into explanation mode immediately. Telling him it was to keep the man from breathing in any germs or from his germs getting on anyone else. We got him distracted enough to wait our turn to see the dentist. When we finally went back with him the rooms and chairs freaked him out all over again. Andrew sat in the chair and held him while I tried to rub his head and calm him down. She looked at his teeth while he screamed his head off. Then she said "I'm finished, his teeth look great!" I was just happy to get him out of there because it was ridiculous.

Today at his real first dental appointment I wasn't sure what to expect other than screams and fits. We went to Fox/Broermann upon a recommendation by our pediatrician. Come to find out I know quite a few people who take their kids there too! When we got off the elevator he said "it stinks in here" they were doing construction somewhere on the floor. Little did I know it was in our actual dentist office. We walked in and there were pretty much no walls. It looked so strange but was obvious they were making progress and improvements to the office. I think the first thing Blake saw was other kids sitting in "the chairs" as he calls them. Then he noticed the train table and was off to play trains while I checked in. I had already finished all the paperwork on line so I just had to sign a couple of things. That is the best idea ever, all doctors offices should have this available! They took a picture of Blake for their files and then we were set to wait.

We really didn't wait very long I'd say 10 minutes max but we also left to go to the bathroom during this time. (I figured out once we got into the bathroom that my little smarty pants thought we could just go home as soon as we were out of the office.) We went back to a little kid friendly exam room. They had a bug with real teeth, a bag full of toys and pictures of animals from the neck up on the wall. Of course Blake started digging in the toy bucket immediately. He found a book The Tooth Book which we didn't even have time to read before our girl came in. She introduced herself to us and we talked about what would happen this visit while Blake played with toys. She also went through a goodie bag with Blake so that he would unglue himself from my legs! He got 2 new tooth brushes, a plastic mouth mirror just like the dentist uses, tooth paste and floss. He was so excited about all of his stuff I think he forgot where we were. Yay! I'm not sure if Brandi was a hygienist or not but she was so great! She told Blake  exactly what Dr. Fox was going to do when she came in. He was prepared but still not completely sold. When Dr. Fox came in she introduced herself to me then to Blake. She was so good with him. He was still a little afraid of the chair so she didn't make him lay back just sit back. She counted her fingers, then his and then said okay now I'm going to count your teeth let me see that smile. He just gave her the biggest grin he could. He listened to her so well and did everything she asked! She was even able to poke at his teeth to check for cavities/soft spots! She took pictures of his teeth and the inside of his mouth with this fancy camera. He thought that was cool because he got to see his teeth on the computer screen above him! Then he let her "paint" his teeth with fluoride! Seriously I was super impressed and he didn't cry at all the entire time we were there. He left with a toy, a sticker and a balloon. I left with a happy child. Win win!

Playing with his balloon in the hallway as we were leaving.

Counting my teeth with his mirror and gloves from our visit to the dentist today.

His goodies minus the mirror and balloon.

I also got tips for at home care of his teeth so we can keep them shiny, white and cavity free! Some are the common things we do daily but some will be helpful for when we go back in 6 months and he actually gets his teeth cleaned! Here they are:
*brush at least twice a day, if the morning brushing is skipped for whatever reason just make sure you get the before bed brushing in
*brush his teeth for him until he is 8-9 years old, let him take a turn but then go over them again
*when brushing his teeth have him lay with his head in my lap so that I can see everything really well and it will get him used to laying in "the chair" it won't feel so uncomfortable for him next time
*focus on flossing between his back teeth since they are closer together and that's where cavities tend to form
*use a tooth paste with fluoride
*no milk, juice, or any other beverage in bed at night except for water, if he needs it (he will)
*since he takes a vitamin the hard Flinstone type ones are better than the gummies because of all the sugar in gummies (that includes fruit snacks and other snacks similar, they aren't good for teeth)
*they are available for after hour calls if there is ever an emergency, the office phone goes directly to their cell phone, this might cost us extra but may also come in very handy someday with an active toddler

Like I said some of these things are given but I loved the laying his head in my lap advise! He is so stubborn and headstrong when it comes to teeth brushing that it can easily become a battle. I'm hoping that it will become a calming time instead with this trick! The crazy thing about brushing teeth is that he will let me floss daily but hates the tooth brush! We did an electric one for a while but it became more of a toy and device to scrub everything except his teeth! I have to admit that with him we often skip the morning brushing session. We get busy, rushed or I just flat out don't want to have the battle to begin the day so I was relieved that it wasn't hurting us to skip that time. We normally try to brush after lunch and after bath so we get twice a day in most days, probably not as many days as we should but we will be working on that!

When it comes to doctors for my boy or even myself I love when they listen and are helpful. I'm so glad we have a great pediatrician and now pediatric dentist!

I go to the dentist tomorrow and I know my report won't be as great as Blake's was but I do love my dentist! Andrew and I both go to Dr. Webster.